February Run Down
I’m a planner. I’m someone who loves a routine, who needs a to-do list in order to be a functional human. Unsurprisingly, I’m also someone who struggles immensely when plans change, and this month I became intimately acquainted with feeling out of control.
Growing up, I lived between medical crises–I was more often injured than not, weird health scares were the norm. As I’ve gotten older, my medical issues are named; I’m no longer a medically complex mystery like I was as a child. I have names for the chronic illnesses I face, I take medication, and I know my boundaries. Maybe foolishly, I believed that naming it and stopping competitive running would put the days of getting injured behind me. However, that has turned out not to be the case.
A little over a month ago, I noticed a pain in my hip. I have pain often, especially in my joints, so I wasn’t alarmed. Annoyed? Sure. But I wasn’t worried. However, the pain wouldn’t let up; it hurt to swim, to do my daily PT strengthening, and even to sit. Walking more than a few minutes caused a deep pain that I’ve never felt, and I just knew that something was wrong. The doctor confirmed my suspicions: there is an issue within the joint, and yesterday I finally got an MRI to verify whether my doctor is right about what’s going on.
This is where my perfectly planned schedule fell apart. I had to stop swimming; if the pain is too severe, I have to take a car instead of a bus or train. And, for months, I had a trip planned to see my family in the Netherlands. I had a list of exactly what I was going to do every day, and for over 100 days, I was counting down until my dream vacation. But the thing about Amsterdam is that it’s a walkable city. To do all the things I planned, I would be doing a lot of walking, and if my doctor is right about what he suspects is wrong, then walking could permanently damage my joint forever. I had to let go of my plans, my excitement, and all my lists, and instead move the trip to the fall. In the scheme of things, it’s not the end of the world, but for someone who thrives on plans, on schedules, and lists, it felt like the ground was taken out from beneath me.
It wasn’t just the cancelled trip or the tweaks to my day-to-day schedule; it’s the looming reality that if my doctor is right, I am going to need surgery. I hope it doesn’t come to that, but knowing it’s a likely outcome makes it impossible to plan months ahead because I simply don’t know what my limitations will be months from now.
To be honest, I don’t like it; I don’t like feeling out of control. But a discussion with my mom reframed things for me in a way that didn’t fix it, but helped shift my perspective. I’ve always had medical issues, and that started from the moment I was born. In fact, I wasn’t supposed to survive; my circulatory system didn’t work, and statistically, I should have died.
However, I beat the odds, and even though my life has been marked by a lot of health issues, I’ve been alive to experience those issues. In a way, it reminds me of my dad, who had a massive stroke when I was 14 years old, and he had a less than 2% chance of surviving, but he did, and I had another 11 years with him before he passed. I always consider those 11 years with my dad ‘bonus years.’ But as I chatted with my mom, she gently reminded me that by that logic, my entire life has been ‘bonus years.’ It doesn’t make the frustration go away, or the now-constant pain let up. But it tells me that even when things are hard, I’m lucky to be alive, and it reminds me that I’ve survived worse and I can survive this too.
Witch Dance by Florence + The Machine
INTROSPECTION by Sofia and the Antoinettes
DON’T YOU SEE MY TRYING? by Erin LeCount
Good Girl by Paris Paloma
Upstream by Mary Oliver
(As a side note: Mary Oliver is my all time favorite author, every single book of hers changes my life)
These mittens for my grandma, mitten 1 is done and I am working on mitten 2
More star garland, this time for my friend’s birthday
This wall hanging for my kitchen
“I don’t know whether or not I should be happy or afraid.”
“I’m manifesting by lying.”
“I could die tomorrow getting hit by a bus, why shouldn’t I go to a sex party and worship the moon?”
Trans rights have been top of my mind for me for the last couple of years. Rather than sharing a typical short queer history writeup instead I want to share ‘Protect Trans Kids: A Field Guide to What’s Happening: Gender-affirming care, explained: what’s being threatened, why, and the lives on the line.’ This is an incredible guide that is constantly being updated by Miss Gender (Kat) that I recommend everyone take a look at.
A gay medical student is currently stuck in Iran and his life is in danger. He was in school and living in Italy. However, a bureaucratic error stopped him from being able to return and now Italy isn’t fixing the error. You can sign a petition to help bring him back.
We are excited to release our first LGBTQ+ history zine. It is centered on conversion therapy, given the Supreme Court case Chiles v. Salazar, which should have a ruling early this year. In this zine, you can learn the history of conversion therapy, hear someone’s experience with conversion therapy, and more. You can purchase the zine here!
In case you missed it, these articles were published this month:
Conversion Therapy Since 1886: A Dark History of the Discredited Practice
“Cinematic drama takes center stage at Alexis Bittar Fashion Week ‘26”
love the mittens and sending you some good vibes through the internet ether! Sorry about the hip:( It can really suck to scale back and make new accommodations, but know there's whole community of crips right there with you🫶💌